Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Sexy Herpetologist Returns! (Sans Sexy)

Last October I talked about a fun monster snake movie in “Monster Snakes And Sexy Tee Shirts.” That was part three of the Anaconda saga, “Anaconda 3: Offspring.”

The best part of that movie was actress Crystal Allen, who played a sexy herpetologist named Amanda and who spent most of the movie in very sexy skimpy tee shirts. The whole movie seemed to be built around costume design as Amanda changed from one sexy tee shirt to another as the plot advanced.

Well Crystal Allen is back as Amanda the sexy herpetologist in “Anacondas: Trail of Blood.”

And the DVD cover sure looks promising, featuring Amanda running in her classic herpetologist uniform, a skimpy black tee shirt.

Sadly, the DVD cover art is the best thing about this awful film.

None of the low budget fun of “Anaconda 3” is re-captured in this low budget yawn fest. And Amanda doesn’t change clothes even once. In fact, I don’t think she ever even takes off her jacket.

Instead of the simple let’s-kill-the-monster-snake plot of “Anaconda 3” this movie drags out a goofy hodge-podge of story arcs: There is a scientist with a monster snake and a secret potion that will cure sick billionaires of whatever ails them. There is a team of assassins looking to kill the scientist and steal his secret potion. There is another group of people I never quite sorted out, I think they are supposed to be archeologists who just happen to be working near the scientist and his monster snake. There is Amanda the sexy herpetologist and a couple of friends who are looking for the scientist so they can destroy his monster snake. And there is an odd, lost looking hapless guy wandering around by himself who I think is supposed to be working with Amanda, but I never really got him sorted out either.

Little by little everybody more or less randomly bumps into everybody else and eventually the assassins try to force Amanda to track down the scientist and steal his secret potion for them. The assassins kill a couple of the random people who might be archeologists and then threaten to kill the lost looking hapless guy. So Amanda tracks down the scientist—the scientist, in fact, was eaten by his own monster snake at the very start of the film—finds his secret potion and brings it back to the assassins.

Then various people start double-crossing other people and the monster snake eats people and there are endless scenes of people running through the woods.

Inexplicably, Amanda stays fully dressed throughout the whole movie!

Even though now and then we see she is wearing a skimpy black tee shirt under her army-surplus type jacket, she keeps her jacket on for every scene.

As people say these days: WTF?!

So, sadly again, if you’re looking for some sexy herpetologist skimpiness, avoid “Anacondas: Trail of Blood.”

For sexy herpetologist skimpiness, the brand leader remains “Anaconda 3: Offspring.”

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