Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Hidden Meaning In New Testament Apocrypha

In one of the apocryphal books of the New Testament, Jesus takes Mary Magdalene into the Messiah Cave and shows her the fancy computer He uses to fight crime all over the world. He kisses her, but it is kind of a gimmicky plot point because before He lets her leave the Messiah Cave He uses His Messiah powers to erase her memory of the visit. So He kisses her and He remembers it but she doesn’t remember the kiss at all. Manipulative plot points like that are why most scholars don’t group this particular bit of apocrypha with the canonical Gospels.

In another of the apocryphal books of the New Testament, Jesus and Mary Magdalene have a big fight and Jesus shouts at Mary and storms off in a rage and refuses to talk to her for weeks. Careful study of the actual Greek words used reveals that the anger of Jesus is really directed inward toward Himself and not outward at Mary. In this apocryphal book Jesus is always forgetting that although He can see into Mary’s heart and knows there is only love for Him there, she cannot see into His heart but rather must take on faith that He has only love for her. Jesus is always getting pissed off at Himself for getting distracted by Mary’s sexiness and forgetting that although Mary is very cool she still doesn’t have His Messiah powers. One scholar, commenting on the angst throughout this apocryphal text, points out that although there is no baptismal scene present, it would be fitting if John baptized this Jesus in a tributary of Dawson’s Creek.

My favorite apocryphal book of the New Testament is the one where Mary Magdalene and the other women discover that Jesus has been resurrected because they find the stone moved from outside His tomb and then they discover that He has put up a new post on His blog and only He has the password for that account . . .

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