Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Girl In The Canadian Negligee

At the start of the month I wrote about the new “Anaconda” movie and what a let-down it was after the previous entry in that series and I singled out the fact that in “Anaconda 3” the filmmakers had a lot of fun with actress Crystal Allen changing from one sexy tee shirt to another but in “Anaconda 4” they put Crystal Allen in a sexy tee shirt and then covered her up in a jacket and kept her covered up for the entire film.

When I wrote that post something was nagging at me but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I was thinking of something but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Yesterday I figured out what was on my mind. And, not too surprisingly, it involves a girl in a skimpy tee shirt.

Look at this picture:

That’s actress Jaime King, the star of this year’s medium-budget horror film, “My Bloody Valentine.” That film was released on Valentine’s Day in digital 3D and it was made by a reasonably cool filmmaker named Patrick Lussier. He’s from Canada. [Maybe. Might be wrong about this... --Mark] I’ll return to that bit of Canadian trivia in a few paragraphs.

Now, everybody making “My Bloody Valentine” had fun with the production. Notice in the picture of Jaime with the shovel that the lighting is bright and the bulbs are low, she’s wearing a white tee shirt one or two sizes too small and she’s wearing a black bra under the white tee shirt. She’s about to swing that shovel at a masked psycho-killer and the movie is in digital 3D so the audience had fun with the skimpy tee shirt, too.

That scene is from near the very beginning of the movie.

Now I want to talk about the end sequences of the movie.

In the final sequences of the movie, Jaime gets chased around by the masked psycho-killer and she runs through the woods, runs through an old house in the woods and runs through those same mine shafts she ran through at the beginning of the movie.

But look at what she’s wearing for the start of those final sequences:

She’s on the phone with one of her two boyfriends who both may or may not be the masked psycho-killer and she’s wearing a flannel shirt!

A flannel shirt.


A flannel shirt?

You put the sexiest girl in the world in a flannel shirt and instantly every guy who looks at her gets the feeling that he’s on a fishing trip with his sister.

A flannel shirt?

Every now and then the wind blows open the flannel shirt and we get to see what’s underneath the flannel shirt:

Yeah, she’s wearing a sexy, skimpy brown tee shirt underneath her flannel shirt.

In “Anaconda 4” the production people put Crystal Allen in a sexy, skimpy tee shirt then covered it up with an army-surplus jacket.

In “My Bloody Valentine” the production people put Jaime King in a sexy, skimpy tee shirt then covered it up with a flannel shirt.

Is this some kind of Hollywood trend?! Is this some kind of conspiracy to frustrate movie-goers?

Here is the big climax of “My Bloody Valentine.” The masked psycho-killer has chased Jaime into the mine shaft. But she has gotten a gun and confronts her two boyfriends who both may or may not be the masked psycho-killer.

Yeah, it’s the big scene where she finds out which of her two boyfriends is the masked psycho-killer trying to kill her and we don’t get to see any sexy arms or sexy shoulders or sexy anything else because she’s still wearing the damn flannel shirt.

The flannel shirt didn’t rip off when the masked psycho-killer got his pick-axe stuck in the fabric and tore off a couple of buttons. The flannel shirt didn’t rip off when she crawled out from the car wreck. The flannel shirt didn’t rip off when she ran through the woods with all those sharp branches sticking out.

Flannel shirts. When one of them gets on a girl it’s on her to stay.

The director of “My Bloody Valentine,” Patrick Lussier, is a very skillful editor who has directed quite a few movies. He’s very good at what he does, but he is from Canada. [Maybe. Might be wrong about this... --Mark] Maybe it’s a cultural thing. It gets very cold up in Canada. Maybe up in the Great White North flannel shirts are considered sexy. Maybe Patrick Lussier and Geddy Lee sit around the pub saying, “Hey, check out the flannel shirt on that cutie!”

If this is a Canadian-content issue, if flannel shirts are like negligees up there, someone needs to tell these people that there’s more to life than Canada!

Damn it!

There aren’t any moose walking around outside my house and I don’t watch films to see women wearing more layers of clothing than the Amish ladies who sell me chocolate!

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