“What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?”

This happened a few weeks ago. I’ve been trying to think of a larger context in which to use this story, but I’ve never come up with anything. But this was so cool that I’ve never forgotten it. So I’m just going to tell this quick story and maybe I’ll think of something more to say about it later.

This was like a little real life cabaret the cosmos staged just to entertain me. And it was pretty darn good.


One afternoon I was standing around looking at trees. A mid-size car double parked in front of the apartment building across the street. I saw that a beautiful red-haired young woman was driving. An anonymous looking young man was in the passenger seat.

I was struck by how up-right the young woman was sitting in the driver seat. ‘She has great posture,’ I thought. ‘And she’s beautiful. She’s sitting so straight, looking so poised, she looks like a model.’

The young man got out of the passenger side and walked to the curb in front of the car.

The young woman driving backed up, and pulled alongside the curb to park in front of the apartment complex.

The young man extended his right hand, gesturing, guiding the young woman to align the car with the curb.

‘He’s helping her park,’ I thought. ‘That’s so cool. They must be really in love.’

The young man gestured with both hands. The young woman driving straightened the car. She pulled forward. The young man continued gesturing and the young woman driving pulled up until she lined up her front bumper with the young man’s hand. He waved her back. She backed up again, turned the front tires slightly to realign the car with the curb and pulled forward.

The young man guided her, slightly left, slightly right. She slowly pulled forward, turning the car slightly left, slightly right.

As the car’s front bumper reached the young man again, he raised both hands to signal that she was perfectly parked.

‘That’s really cool,’ I thought. ‘Two people who care so much about each other that they’d work together even for something sort of trivial like parking.’

The beautiful red-haired young woman turned off the car and opened the driver’s side door. When she got out, I saw that her standing posture was as perfect as her sitting posture. She closed the car door and stood there for a moment, her shoulders back, her neck straight. She looked perfect.

‘I wonder if she is a model?’ I thought. ‘She has such poise. Such style. What a woman.’

She looked at the young man waiting for her on the sidewalk. She said, very loudly, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Haven’t you ever fucking helped someone fucking park before? All you fucking have to do is put up one fucking hand. What the fuck is wrong with you? I’m trying to park the fucking car and you’re waving your fucking hands like a spastic fucking dancer or something. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

The young man turned and walked into the apartment building.

“Don’t you fucking walk away from me,” the beautiful red-haired young woman said. “Hey. I am fucking talking to you. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

And she walked into the apartment building after the young man.

She walked perfectly.