Monday, March 28, 2011

Bambi, Godzilla And Intimacy Issues

“I have intimacy issues,” she said.

“Moral qualms?” I asked. “Religious concerns?”

“No,” she said. “Bambi and Godzilla things.”

“You mean you see men as monsters,” I asked,
“and women as gentle forest creatures?”

“No,” she said, and her forehead became creased.
“I’m talking about the cartoon movie,
‘Bambi Meets Godzilla.’ Did you see it?”

“I think I saw it,” I said, “late one night
at a science fiction convention but
I don’t remember much. Wasn’t it just
Godzilla’s foot stomping down on Bambi?”

“Yeah,” she said. “That’s the whole movie. And that’s
what my problem is. I think about that
for some weird psychological reason
when I get into a situation
involving sex. I always imagine
that a huge Godzilla foot will stomp down
and crush me and whatever guy I’m with
right in the middle of us doing it.
I know it sounds silly but when my mind
goes off like that, gets thinking about it,
I freak out and guys can always notice
and then they lose their concentration so
the whole, you know, process comes crashing down.”

“That’s pretty strange,” I said. “What do you do?
Do you not go out? See a therapist?”

“I go out every now and then,” she said.
“I’ve never talked to a psychiatrist.
I just keep trying. Every now and then
I’ll meet somebody and give it a try.
You know. Try. Close my eyes. Hope for the best.”

My forehead must have creased. I must have frowned.
She asked me what I was thinking about.

I said, “Hell. Close my eyes. Hope for the best.
That’s been my philosophy about sex
since I was seventeen. But I’ve never
embroidered a whole monster fantasy
around it. Are you sure you have issues
with intimacy? Are you sure you’re not
just some kind of animation groupie?”

She asked, “Are ‘intimacy issues’ and
‘animation groupie’ synonymous?”

I said, “Haven’t you ever wondered why
cartoons are all just like three minutes long?”

She asked, “And are you a psychiatrist?”

I said, “No. But you’ll be getting my bill.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

“Bambi Meets Godzilla” at Wikipedia


Ten Thirteen Unanswered Questions #1

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