Friday, September 16, 2011

A Captain Kirk Exorcism

This morning I was a little late getting somewhere. That caused this conversation snippet:

“I’m sorry I’m late,” I said. “This summer, allergies are killing me. I took Benadryl last night and this morning I was late getting up. I feel totally inadequate. Captain Kirk never would have been late.”

“No, Captain Kirk might have been late,” the person said. “But Captain Kirk wouldn’t have been late because of allergies. He’d have been late because he was off banging some beautiful blue or green space girl.”

Anyway, now, in addition to all the other things I’m worried about, now I’m kind of worried about the amount of time I spend comparing myself to Captain Kirk and, of course, falling short of that high standard.

First of all, obviously, he’s a fictional character. Duh. It’s not even a real high standard. It’s a fictional high standard.

Second of all, he’s not even a real fictional character, he’s a TV fictional character. TV. Double-duh. Heck, I might as well feel proud of myself for (usually) being a more together person than Gilligan.

So I’m just going to stop it.

I’m going to perform a Captain Kirk exorcism on my psyche and stop comparing myself to this TV fictional character.

To help me get this TV fictional character out of my system, I’m going to devote today’s post to doing an index [an index!] of all the Captain Kirk references that have appeared here in this blog over the years. There don’t appear to be as many as I feared, so I will annotate them a little.

The Blogger search engine is something less than perfect, but I’m going to trust it for this task. I’ve remembered one post that the search engine—for some reason—misses, so maybe this index is reasonably complete. Here goes:

Blood All Over My Kitchen!

Princess From Atlantis Without A Band-Aid

These are pretty typical, I suppose, of how I think. I always think of those lines from “Celluloid Heroes” by the Kinks:

I wish my life was a non-stop Hollywood movie show
A fantasy world of celluloid villains and heroes
Because celluloid heroes never feel any pain
And celluloid heroes never really die

Captain Kirk always played through his pain. He helped everyone who needed help. He made every situation he was in better. Those are good things!

(I’m not even going to dredge up old Trek controversies, and in general I’m a fan of Harlan Ellison, but I thought the ending of “City on the Edge of Forever” was grotesquely contrived and totally out of character for both the series and Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk would have saved the girl AND found a way to get history back on track. That ending was an example of Ellison being bleak just for the sake of bleak. There are other issues with that episode, too, but, hey, the past is past. It’s just an old TV show. ’Nough said.)

The Built World Before The Wrecking Crew

“Watching T.V.”

These aren’t really my fault. They’re both “Captain Kirk” references from songs, one an old song from Germany and the other an old song from Britain. Of course, I remembered them, and posted them. My bad. (Isn’t it kind of interesting that Britain and Germany are historically kind of polarized cultures, yet young people from both countries have been so influenced by American TV that they would write songs with Captain Kirk in them? And one of those songs became something of a world-wide sensation!

The Law Of The Orchid And Rainbow Jungle

This is the entry in this index that I grimace over the most. This woman was named “Lori” and she was one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known. In my whole life, Lori is the only woman I’ve ever been friends with, then drifted apart from, and then actively sought out and became friends with again. Things still didn’t work out, and I wonder how much of that is because my stupid, cross-circuited brain is filled with ludicrous, absurd and unreal juxtapositions between actual life and pretend life?

“What Is It About You, Lana?”

I didn’t even remember this one. It’s a reference to the woman who appears a few other times in this blog as “Martha.” She was very cool, and I thought it was far below her abilities to waste her time writing a Star Trek novel.

Paris Hilton And The Kennedy Assassination — 2

This is another one typical of how I think. One time at our local library a nice guy retired and a very cool woman named Mary got promoted into his position. I stopped by to congratulate her and, without really thinking, I said, “So, I hear you’re the new Captain Kirk around here!” I felt kind of stupid, because Captain Kirk isn’t really a current metaphor. But everyone seemed to cut me some slack. (Although when I walked away everyone was probably shaking their head about me being an idiot. But at least they were nice to me while I was there. That’s really all I ask. Just be nice to me while I’m around.)

Saturday Afternoon Update: (Oh no. I told that story about Mary from the library ONLY to illustrate my use of “Captain Kirk” as a generic, person-in-charge label, NOT to imply any connection or similarity between Mary and Paris Hilton or the ‘Pink Camelot’ post. Mary is very smart and very helpful and very cool and has no connection of any kind to Paris Hilton. Other than that they are both attractive women. I’m sorry, Mary, if this post seemed to associate you with Paris Hilton in any way. But then, one of the points of this post is that I’m an idiot.)

Star Trek And Reality Revisionism

This one is fair, because I’m finding fault with Star Trek! As I should! It’s a TV show! Damn it!

Ashley And The Green Sweater (Part Two)

I spent a lot of time thinking about this when I wrote the short story. On one hand, out there in the real world you almost never hear a female human person make Star Trek references off-the-cuff. On the other hand, I have known a lot of females who were science fiction fans and, in odd situations, made surprising references to classic science fiction. So I left it in. In part, too, because Ashley was supposed to be possessed and doing things that were odd.

Okay. That’s about all I want to see or hear about Captain Kirk. Maybe for the rest of my life. I’m going to try and get better.

I’m trying to get better at lots of things. Writing, always. Music. Drawing and painting. Physical fitness. Mood-swings. To all these things (and a few others) I’m going to add: I’m going to try and get better about never comparing myself to Captain Kirk!

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