Friday, October 09, 2009
Puddle Monsters: Sonya And The Shoe #2
“So far I’ve seen a shoe, a couch and a crow,” Sonya said. “I expected these puddle monsters to look like, you know, monsters. I expected them to look like, maybe, little plesiosaurs. You know, little dinosaurs or something. Monsters.”
“Monsters can look like anything,” I said. “Lost objects. Animals. People.”
“That must be something,” Sonya said. “A puddle monster that looks like a person.”
“It doesn’t matter what they look like,” I reminded her. “They all want to eat your soul. It’s easier keeping your distance from a couch or a shoe than when they look like a person. A big-eyed little girl crying. Some sexy European. Anything. Your dream come true. That’s how they work. That’s how they get you.”
“They won’t get me,” Sonya said. “Hey, how many puddle monsters does it take to change a light bulb?”
“We’re talking about creatures that want to eat your soul and you’re making jokes?”
“Yeah, don’t worry, I’m tough. Now, come on, how many puddle monsters does it take to change a light bulb?”
I looked at her and tried to convey disapproval and tiredness but she waited me out. I gave in. “Okay, I give up, how many puddle monsters does it take to change a light bulb?”
“Three. One to transform into something that looks like a burned out light bulb. One to transform into a beautiful or handsome person in distress asking you if you have a new light bulb and one to pull the circuit breaker just to make sure you don’t screw in a new bulb and flash them back to shadow land.”
“You’re making jokes but when they look like people even though they do stupid things they manage to work it out so that for some reason something simple like switching on a light can be difficult. That’s how they get you.”
“Won’t be difficult for me,” Sonya said. “I’ve got this down. Fuck monsters. I’m tough.”
“Yeah,” I said, “you’re tough. But they’re monsters.”
“I’m not afraid of old shoes. No matter what they look like.”
“We’ll talk after one takes a bite out of you.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“You know monsters don’t make jokes,” I said, “but if they did one might ask, How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?”
Sonya smiled. “I don’t know. How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?”
“Just one, the monster would say, which is a good thing because if you eat too much at one time you get that bloated feeling.”
Sonya smirked. She said, “I am not going to get eaten.”
I just shrugged.
Everyone thinks they’re smarter than monsters until they meet a monster that figures them out.
Then you get a bite taken out of you. You get eaten alive.